A lot of those very specific formal-business-document-type pictures have been popping up in the VTuber community more than normal in the last couple months.

"Thank you for the last 3 years, but..."

Or so it goes.

"Life has gotten so busy, and..."

Or so it goes.

"...I'll see you in another life."

Or so the story goes.

Sorry for rambling. I'll get to the point later, outside of these disgustingly big paragraphs. You'll know when! Extra sorry for negativity throughout this, this is kind of a vent piece for me. If you relate, maybe we should, um, hold hands or something.

Idealizing the prospect of VTubing since, god, I think 2018 when I learned Natori Sana's model was hand-drawn by herself, had brought me so much motivation to try to do things myself. I felt like I had the personality, the skills, something about me was impressive. I saw VTubers who auditioned for big agencies and made it, and I thought to myself, "Yeah, I can easily do that." I got this stupid infection in my brain that I should be a VTuber, because I believed I'd be good at it. I already loved Twitch and watched it daily, I understood the ins and outs of streaming, and the existence of Virtual YouTubers said that people like me are worth watching. I don't have to show my face. I can use a fake identity. I love anime. I think my skill in art and graphics transfers perfectly. I have so much knowledge I want to spread to the world. I could work with a really big artist that I admire if I just say "Hey, I want to be a VTuber, one of your VTubers!" And it works! I really got that. A dream come true. So many details of the act of VTubing add up to everything I already loved and already knew how to do, I felt like, ideally, I was the perfect VTuber, and everyone was missing out on me.

I tried multiple times to really consistently stream. I tried in 2021, only a week or two after my Live2D model for Nyuuko-tan was finished. That was terrible, of course, I was extremely anxious and I didn't know anything about audio settings. I think I got around 7 viewers though with no promotion. So weird. I didn't own an iPhone for tracking, either. Everything was just a mess. I tried again in 2022, it was my birthday, and I just wanted to get away from the toxic parts of the internet I was attached to and really throw myself into this virtual persona and start laying down the groundwork for my story. I streamed, like, three times, and disappeared for months again. Shoutout to the one guy who somehow still remembers me from then, lol. Fucking crazy, man. Nothing really stuck, though. Every time I told myself, or told people on the stream, that I was going to be back in a few days, I would just bail and tell myself I needed more time and I wasn't ready. I was right, but I couldn't ever be ready unless I really committed to it and just dealt with the embarrassing moments. Every streamer knows that you somehow get better and learn things you never knew could be learned just by streaming a while. There's a point where you learn you're capable of talking in certain ways, where everything just clicks. It's kind of a cool feeling.

My "activity" started up on and off since the middle of 2023. I started to really try to build my social media presence. I put effort into my tweets, I made thumbnails, I started archiving my streams into VODs on YouTube, and I really felt like I was working. I felt comfortable. And then I felt exhausted. I started scheduling my streams just to see if it would help me stop bailing out on them, and get me more comfortable with streaming regularly. It did, at first, but now I just feel this dread that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not at as much energy as I would like, and I told everyone I'd stream anyway. I have a lot of mental health issues, which you hear a lot in the VTuber community, but god does it really fucking suck. I'm not going to list all my diagnoses here, this isn't Tumblr where you need to prove you have the right to making jokes about the issues you have... Some of the biggest ones are a combination of chronic migraines with chronic fatigue. There are times where I can't even bring myself to sit down upright, because I'm in so much pain, and even when I'm out of the pain, I'm tired because I had been in pain. I wish I had the energy that others do, but I'm working on it, slowly. I'm a lot better than I was when I was a teenager, at least...

On top of all of that, I started to feel worse and worse about VTubing in general. I don't like my voice, which isn't a rare feeling, but why can't I even fake a cutesy voice? Why can't my voice be more... Cool? Or sounding like a character? Or something? I made my persona (the black twintails with the awful bangs) (yes they're awful out of love) specifically to fit my voice, because I needed a face that fit my attitude. I have such a whiny attitude, and I'm so annoying, but maybe a face that screams "I'm an annoying bitch" would get people to like me because I'm so... like me?

Let me be really, really selfish for just... one little second, okay? So, hear me out, I designed more than 2 characters, not redesigns, SEPARATE CHARACTERS, I've drawn full art for them, I made an entire website FROM SCRATCH, my characters are CUTE, I stream games from genres people constantly say they love, I stream other stuff that VTubers are constantly saying ohhhh my god I love that thing, but they never TALK ABOUT IT, I make connections with some really cool people, I get a lot of support from those people, I create art from fandoms people say they love the most and are inspired by, I'm constantly engaging with what's popular, I reply to people positively and with a feeling of like I really understand them, I have a distinct but eyecatching aesthetic for both of my characters, I MADE THIS ENTIRE BLOG BY MYSELF, AND I KEEP UP WITH THE BLOG, I did in 3 weeks what VTuber agencies take 6 months to do, which was an ENTIRE NEW CHARACTER DEBUT, BY THE WAY, so what else do people want from me? HOW do I get people to find me? Where do I get attention? How come I see new people start up from nothing while gaining hundreds overnight? Where's my hundreds overnight? What is the secret? How many more people are like me putting in a ton of work for nothing? I feel like I've tried everything over and over and over again, and I'm somehow declining when I've been doing nothing wrong... Do people see through me somehow, and think I'm being too negative and selfish, and they all collectively ignore me? I wish I knew the secret to the formula, I feel like I'm trying so much harder than others, and it's all for nothing.

I'm just getting started, but I'm wondering if any of this is worth it. I'm starting to see something I was initially passionate about as a huge source of stress, when it shouldn't be that way. I'm trying to combat that. I look at how much I've grown in a month, and think that I can only be successful if I rince and repeat this for another 2+ years. This embarrassing vent piece is me trying to figure out what to do to solve this dumb problem. I want to love VTubing, and I want to be received with love in the VTuber community. I feel love! I treasure the people who have found me and have given me positive attention so much. I wish it was enough to keep me motivated, and to keep the exhaustion away. I don't want to feel dreadful when I think about how I have to stream longer to gain any sort of attention.

I feel really discouraged about my own creativity, and I feel like I can only get successful if I throw away my free time to be creative, get a job, and spend money on an attractive model, with attractive graphics, and artwork I can repost with vaguely flirty captions. Is it really the only way? I'm proud of myself, and the work I do, but is that really what works? Hell, even just the tons of skebs does enough work because people see your design in a higher quality, or something like that. I don't know. It's bullshit and it makes me feel like shit.

I can't work because of my disabilities. I yearn to be that person that blows up overnight, just like everyone else yearns to be. I yearn to be sustained just by hitting go live and rambling for a few hours with an audience that would converse with me and make jokes with me. I wish I had some way to earn money to prove that I am a capable person despite my disabilities, but my options are so slim... Art commissions? I can't even complete 1 piece a month for myself. I can't work a physical job, and online work is impossible to get unless you know a guy who knows a guy, so realistically I'm just kind of doomed. I wish I was cuter. Maybe my cuteness could save me. Am I cute? I think I'm cute sometimes. Look at all this shit above, I can't even handle streaming for 3 times a week without a giant thinkpiece about how much I suck at it and want to throw a pity party for myself! Everything sucks.

I'm Not Quitting

ill just type like this for ease, for me and everyone, ironically cuz this is the important part

im sorry. i think i am going to try to stream sporadically. guerilla, unscheduled, whatever you wanna call it! i might run the risk of having that bailing problem again, but im more comfortable now, and sometimes i just wanna show off whatever bullshit im doing. ill try to plan streams 1-2 hours in advance and announce them on twitter, maybe... i might just hit go live.

i knowwww i just had that 3D debut stream... i am so tired from making everything on my own, just to go back to the regularly scheduled programming... managing my chronic fatigue after ignoring it to forcibly binge a month of work was way too much for me.

i also know this sucks for viewers, for growth, for consistency, whatever. not streaming at the same time every day ruins viewcount enough as is. i dont want to care about viewcount though. ill always be streaming to somebody, even if it means some vod viewer later down the line. maybe ill feel better about streaming consistently later again. just not right now.

i want to focus on my health. god isnt that phrase just such a cliche nowadays?? lmao

but seriously, i want to make sure im healthy. im eating better than i ever have in my life, im cooking a lot, im going on walks more, even trying to exercise... i want to focus on my art and creativity too. i want to challenge myself to try to make a youtube video. maybe i'll hit it big there, and everything will come full circle, and i'll find some sustainability in my life from online content creation....... :sob:

maybe i'll want to kms because the only options are housewife or job, and i am not married, so the other option is......

yeah, this means i might be cancelling the streams i had planned this week, because i really need to think about what im doing and why im doing it. a lot of effort goes into it and im spending way too much time stressing about stuff that kills my motivation for being creative in the first place. even when you're somebody with barely 100-something followers and you dont even avg 10 viewers, this stuff gets to you, and you cant avoid it. fun!!!

if you are a content creator who is a victim of The Numbers you should be entitled to financial compensation

tl;dr - all future streams will be spontaneous, ill try to announce them 1-2hrs b4 going live maybe? dealing with physical mental health issues yay!!!

i love you guys

p.s. can you believe twitter circles are dying after october??? now where am i going to dump my ugly art wips???? all cuz some 50 y/o wanted to buy a website with his monopoly money which is fuckin actual billions of dollars fsr..